Step up Hudson Hawk, then. Not only is this Bruce Willis vanity project a Razzie winner, it's a Razzie winner that beat off competition from the cinematic debut of Vanilla Ice. Think on that, and think on my willingness to suffer for you lot.
The eponymous Hudson Hawk is a famous cat burglar imprisoned within Sing Sing Correctional Facility, on the Hudson river. On his release he finds himself craving a cappuccino, so his partner Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello) takes him to their old favourite bar to catch him up on the years he's missed. An hour and a half of gentle reminiscences ensue.
Okay, that last sentence was a lie.
Instead, the pair of (mostly) reformed criminals find themselves caught up in a sequence of madcap adventures played out across the US and Europe, at the mercy of the CIA, the Vatican and a truly disturbing set of billionaire twins played by Sandra Bernhardt and Richard E. Grant.
Could this really have been the worst movie of 1991?
The good
If nothing else, Hudson Hawk is pretty much unique. I've been trying to think of other movies to use as reference points, and the best I can come up with is Guardians of the Galaxy meets The Da Vinci Code, which is a concept I personally would find watchable, in a slow-motion train wreck sort of way. On the other hand, if train wreck movies are your bag, why waste time dreaming up bizarre crossovers when you could be watching Unstoppable instead? Upon further reflection, it's not entirely unlike the (similarly reviled) Now You See Me, although it tends to substitute slapstick for the latter movie's overly-sentimental idealism.Anyway, Hudson Hawk. Unique. Not quite a caper movie, not quite an action flick, not quite a fantasy. The best genre description I'd be prepared to offer would be magic realism, but that's an awfully elegant term for something that plays out like a live-action cartoon. If you want something that plays out like an old-style Looney Tunes short, then this one might actually be a better bet than the likes of Space Jam.
Performances are mostly serviceable; the script and the setting demands a little ham, so ham is what the audience receives. Danny Aiello in particular handles the material well, with a grace and lightness of touch that wouldn't be entirely out of place within the Ocean's Eleven franchise.
The other thing I really loved was the quirk whereby Hawk and Five-Tone timed their thefts to the length of favourite songs, each party judging their progress by quietly singing along. It's a charming concept, albeit one that probably isn't practical if radio comedy I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue is anything to go by.
The bad
This is another one of these films that I really, really wanted to like. I did worry I was having a bad day on first viewing, so I took another look at it this morning. It's too loud, though, and too crude, and the violence has a real sadistic streak that I don't think belongs in a caper movie about a cat burglar.As the (most obvious) villains, Grant and Bernhardt both grate - it might have been the desired effect, but it didn't make them any easier to watch while I was trying to work out who was on whose side and who was trying to achieve what.
And this, I suppose, is my big complaint about Hudson Hawk: its complete and utter gracelessness. If I'm watching a film about a master thief, I want to be charmed and enthralled, not beaten over the head with a sign consisting of the words I'M SO QUIRKY!!! in six-foot high flashing neon letters.
Michael Lehmann directed the sublime and slightly surreal Heathers, so he should have been a natural with material like this. I'm not entirely sure what went wrong, although the Joel Silver production credit does allow me to make an educated guess.
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