31 Days - The Awards

So, after a month of movies, I thought it might be nice to close things off with a bit of an awards ceremony - after all, what's the point in watching a bunch of films if you don't compare them with one another?

Without further ado, therefore, allow me to present to you:

THE INDEFENSIBLES!

Best Actor (gender neutral)

Nominees: Alan Arkin (The Return of Captain Invincible) Rinko Kikuchi ( The Brothers Bloom)  Billy Zane (The Phantom)
Winner: Alan Arkin, with a performance of dazzling sincerity that cut through a campy script and turned it into something genuinely moving.

Worst Actor (gender neutral)

Nominees: Diego Boneta (Rock of Ages), Julianne Hough (Rock of Ages), Ryan Reynolds (Green Lantern) 
Winner: Diego Boneta, purely because I forgot his surname and was forced to check it on imdb and remember the damned film all over again.

Best Movie

Nominees: Black Sheep,  A Life Less Ordinary, The Return of Captain Invincible
Winner:  Black Sheep, for nuanced performances, great pacing and proving that low-budget creature flicks don't always crawl out of the kitsch abyss.

Worst Movie

Nominees: The Green Lantern, Ishtar, Rock of Ages
Winner: Rock of Ages. Anybody can make a mess of a complex concept, but it takes something truly special to fuck up boy-meets-girl to the point of unwatchability.

Best Soundtrack

Nominees: Kicks, The Phantom of the Paradise, The Return of Captain Invincible
Winner: The Return of Captain Invincible, because the performers clearly enjoyed it most and you can't get a higher recommendation than that.

Worst Soundtrack

Nominees: Rock of Ages, Tooth Fairy, Xanadu
Winner: Rock of Ages, for taking some of my favourite 80s rock tracks and gleefully castrating them with a rusty teaspoon. Not my favourite film in the world, all things considered.

Best Visuals

Nominees: A Life Less Ordinary, Dune, Speed Racer
Winner: Speed Racer. So beautiful it breaks your heart even while it's burning your eyes.

Worst Visuals 

Nominees: Green Lantern, Space Jam, Tooth Fairy
Winner: Green Lantern. It's just really, really ugly, okay?

Pleasantest Surprise

Nominees: Footloose, The Phantom, Pret-A-Porter
Winner: The Phantom. A genuine slice of old-fashioned adventure. Why hasn't Billy Zane played more superheroes since?

Biggest Disappointment

Nominees: The Brothers Bloom, Hudson Hawk, Ishtar
Winner: The Brothers Bloom, for making a caper movie without the caper. For shame! 

Guiltiest Pleasure 

Nominees: Biggles: Adventures in Time, G-Force, Phantom of the Paradise
Winner: Phantom of the Paradise. Morally reprehensible, but the music, visuals and general mood are harder to resist than I'd like.

Greatest Waste of a Cool Concept

Nominees: Hudson Hawk, Ishtar, Life After Beth
Winner: Life After Beth. How could this not have been laugh out loud funny?

Greatest Waste of Actorly Talent

Nominees: Bryan Cranston (Rock of Ages), Dustin Hoffman (Ishtar), Aubrey Plaza (Life After Beth)
Winner: Bryan Cranston. Was it the lure of the easy paycheck, or the thrill of being spanked on camera? Sadly, we may never find out.

Most Misunderstood Work of Genius

Nominees: Dune, A Life Less Ordinary, Speed Racer, Pret A Porter
Winner: Dune, for not being half as impenetrable as most people seem to think.

Happiest Ending

Nominees: A Life Less Ordinary, Footloose, Magicians
Winner: Magicians. A perfect buildup to one of the most flat-out heartwarming scenes in cinematic history. Spoilers forbid me from offering further details, so you'll just have to watch it for yourself and see. 

This concludes the 2014 Indefensible Awards. Please return next year for more of the same. Alternatively, check back every Monday and Friday for more of me talking about films I like and loathe.